Thursday, April 28, 2005
Week 3: Rope, Tie, and Brand 'em
Week 3 Recap
RUSTY'S! WOO! WRANGLERS! WOO!
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
1) for being so cute
2) for dressing up like silly heads
3) for winning the game!!
Congratulations on the big “W” over team Yes We Can. (More like “No We Can’t [Go Poo]” if you ask me) They really were not all that good, aside from good fielding from their little mini second base girl who got some outs, and that God-forsaken pitcher! I swear I'm ready to go ape-shizzle on this speed-pitching Bologna. It's so annoying. Now, I know I'm preaching to the choir here on this one, kids, but it would be so much more fun (and the innings would move 10 times faster) if they would cut it out with this fastball Salami. (OK, I didn’t want to re-use the word Baloney, so I went for another encased meat product, and I realize now that it didn't make quite as much sense and I apologize for that.)
Someone pass me a sissy, cause I’m ready to slay him. In fact, I think I’m gonna bomb a town. Just kidding, those are lyrics from Michelle “She’s Un-Bull-ievable” Dooley’s psyche song: Mama Said Knock You Out. That’s what I’m listening to right now to get me psyched for writing the recap. I’m real sad that I didn’t have time to write it at work today. My boss is so mean. She never lets me write about kickball at work, which I happen to find oppressive. I think I need to give her a little “Welcome to the Tara-Dome” booty-whoopin.
But back to the game…. Maybe we were just so BIG TIME last night because we were really in our element with the whole RODEO NIGHT theme!! It let us express ourselves as real-life Wranglers, and that is essentially what we all reach for every day of our lives, right? So, I think that last night was really better than any number of therapy sessions or wilderness trips designed to discover “the inner Me,” because it was clear by the look in each and every one of your eyeballs that that “Real You” was standing right there on the kickball diamond.
For some of us that meant dressing up like a cowboy or cowgirl, a bull, or even a clown. And some of us, I think have always wanted to strap on a horse complete with reins and holsters using suspenders and a modified Velcro closure at the back. [Here’s a snippet from a brief interaction with a girl from another team: “Hey, where did you guys get those strap-on horses?” Katie: “Toys ‘R’ Us! They’re for kids!”]
And I mean, who am I to judge? I’m just glad you could express that with the group. There’s no judging here. We’re in the nest. The safety nest.
P.S.: Did anyone notice how Ryan’s clown costume was so small on him and was all cranked up in the critical middle parts? It was very Freudian.
Anyway, back to the game…. With the wind blowing straight in at you and that dingle-berry pitcher throwing fastie-bouncies, it was not too easy to get a foot on the ball. In fact, of the two times I made contact, one was with my shin and the other was with my thigh. We actually had some very irregular at-bats, with 2 strike-outs and a walk. Unprecedented!
Anyway, sometimes we kicked it and sometimes then other people kicked it, too, and so then those first people could run around the bases and score the runs. That was nice. Yeah, that was good. And then when they were up then we would get them out real good cause they couldn’t run so fast or nuthin’. That was even better. Yeah, that was great. It was nice.
Did you guys know that my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard? I was just curious.
Have I told you lately that you’re toxic? Because you are. (Intoxicate me now.)
Oh my God, I just digressed again. I promise to stay focused from now on! Here are the awards:
This week’s Rodeo Rusty goes to none other than Ryan “Mullet Clown” Swett. First of all, for the outfit, which was spectacular, and second, for running all over the outfield (and infield) like a maniac. Just because Ryan is actually assigned to Right Center does not mean that he will not run his arse off to try to catch a fly foul over 1st base. Nice work, Swett!
THE ALL-AROUND COWBOY:
B-Rad “That’s right, my horse is white” Simmons is the big winner for the special edition Rodeo Cowboy Award. He scored 2 runs, which for those of you who are quantically-challenged, is two-thirds of our total. Where would we be without B-Rad? He’s big time. Honorable mention here goes to Courtney “CoCo” Reid, who in her season debut rode the full 8 seconds up at the plate in the critical 4th inning and drew the first walk in Wrangler history. That moved Cowboy Brad into scoring position for the eventual game-winner.
I think it’s time for BH to take a hiatus until a worthy candidate presents himself. I trust the Blue Jumpsuit Committee finds itself in a similar position. Although, in the immortal words of Queen: Fat Bottom Girls make the rockin’ world go ‘round.
Oh my God, Dave “Dirty Sanchez” Osborne just made pizza for me!! I better go eat it!! We have to pack up our whole apartment tonight on account of the moving truck getting here in the morning.
I hope Dave got me some dessert, too, or that boy might find himself on a highway to the danger zone. This Wrangler gets a little cranky when she doesn’t get her sugar cubes.
Drat! We haven’t decided on a theme for next week yet. Well, we’ll do that on Monday.
OK, Wranglers. Have a great weekend. And remember, Stay Classy!
I love your biscuits,
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Week 2: Mimes and street performers galore!
Well, it was again colder than a HOO-ha last night. Actually, I think it was even colder than last week, so I will go out on a limb and say it was a HOO-ha-HEE-haw. Why are we tormented by this Chicago spring that never wants to sprung? I mean, Tuesday it was hotter than Nairobi, and then the temperature falls like 30 degrees in 12 hours??!! WTF??!!
The team we played was called Ferocious, but if you ask me, it was more like Poo-ocious. [phonetical spelling: poo-oh-shush.] I don't think they should have beat us, because they were not that good.
We started off a little slow in the 1st, but I sort of think that always happens, mainly because it's hard to focus on the game when you've got a great costume on and you're feeling so giggly about all the silly people on your team. And then they got all those runs in the first inning, and that was super sad. The ball just kept flying all about and they just kept running and running.
But then we were all: "Come on, mimes and other street performers such as bucket drummers and break dancers (and also people you often encounter on the street such as M&M sellers and aggressive windshield washer people with squeegies), we can do it!!" And we came back in a flash. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! And then it was tied! And Dooley Bops was all: "Don't call it a comeback. I've been here for years!" And then Cassie was all: "Yeah!"
And then I was sitting out and having so much fun with little fatty ho-ho bulldog Layla that the rest gets a little fuzzy. Until the last inning when the ref said it would be the last one because it was too dark. And I said BOOOO to the refs who only let us play 4 innings. We are not afraid of the dark. And then so it happened that they only needed to score one run to win the game and then they did and it was so sad but they did not have mime costumes so I was not that sad really.
Now, here's Tim, live via satelite from the Rustys Home Office, with our stats and awards for the week:
Note: The hustle award has been re-named the "All-Around Cowboy". Here's the official rodeo definition:
"All-around cowboy:" This term is the title given to the athlete who accumulates the most money in two or more events.
Well, in Wrangler-ville, this term will refer to a person who exhibits exceptional play and hustle on or off the field.
THE RUSTY: Look no further than our own fearless Captain T-Dizzy for this one. Not only was she a badass mime (who does the "trapped in a box" move better?), she also was out there to ref game 1 in conditions that Sir Edmund Hillary would call "unpleasant". We all owe her for taking care of that duty. Oh yeah, and she also went 2-2 with a run and RBI on the night. Nice work Cap!
ALL-AROUND COWBOY: Taking away that rough first, the whole team played pretty dang well. That being said, Dan "Ricky" Martin was livin' la vida loca last night and is this week's all-around cowboy. Making his rookie debut, Marty not only hit a solo HR, but he stepped up and filled in for injured pitcher Michelle Dooley and threw 4 strong innings. Faced with adversity, Marty stepped it up Wrangler-style. Special mention to fellow rookie Brad "Big Bomber" Simmons for hitting a HR and driving in 2 runs on the night.
And a special holla' to Michelle "Run DMC" Dooley on her street performer get-up. Not sure who exactly got to see her in action, but she was a break-dancin' fool complete with her own portable dance floor (a cardboard box with "Word to your Mama" written on it), the worm, and some major bling (including the use of black panty hose as a hat). Sadly, she was injured in the first inning which brought the street show to a halt, but as JJ Walker would say, it was Dy-no-mite!
Sadly, we haven't really had any plays that warrant a Booby Bungler Award just yet. But I think if we're patient, we'll come into our own on the accidental slapstick comedy front.
That's all for this week! Back to you in the studio, T-Diz!
Thanks, Tim. That was excellent and, I daresay, earth-shattering. And I don't mind admitting that that first bit got me a little choked up. (What is this salty discharge?)
That about wraps up our wrap up for this week, friends.
Next week is RODEO WEEK!! And I think our game is at 6:30.
I love you to bits. Every last one of you.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Week 1: Get Your Wig On
OK, so it's not really the morning anymore. So technically this is like the Thursday afternoon recap, but you mustn't be so literal about these things.
Congratulations on a 4-4 tie with the Bike Rack Bullies. (More like the Poo-rack bullies, if you ask me, but we'll get to that later.) It was a nice neutral start to the season. A little taste of kickball flavor for the newbies, and a nice little "hi, old friend" for the veterans. Sort of like the quick embrace of a lover you haven't seen for a while and can't spend a whole lot of time with just this minute, but you know that you will see next week, and that makes you feel nice.
It's el stinko that we only got to play 3 innings and it was colder than a HOO-ha out there, but as each week goes by we'll have more light and more heat and it will be glorious, I just know it. I see big things for the Wranglers this year. Great costumes. Great ballin'. Great friends. Great $1.50 burgers with 50 cents for each additional topping. What could be better?!
Without further ado, let's talk about the game. We started off great with some boom-boom-boom from the top of the batting order. 2 runs scored. A couple of infielders knocked over (and rightfully so). Then we took the field and got them out pretty quick. Nice pitching by rookie southpaw Michelle "Dooley Bops" Dooley. In the second inning we came up with another run on a Katie "Bunt Cake" Whalen and Timmy "T-Dubs o' Love" Whalen combo. Those married couples sure know how to work it! RBI goes to Joy "Smack Your Mama" Hayes. The inning ended sadly, though, on a scandalous above-the-shoulder shot at Barb "Hit me again and I'll kick your ass" Martin. After unsuccessful pleading to the ref, she was called out. And I cursed their damn ponytailed, jeans-wearing catcher for making a snide remark to me! So I said to him: "Hey, Band Camp called and they're out of YOU!!" (really, I didn't say that, but don't you wish I had???) I HATE THAT GUY!
In the bottom of the 2nd they got a little momentum and got 2 runs. I had to HATE ponytail guy even more because he taunted me with a "what are you gonna do about it?" shoulder shrug on his way to home plate after I grabbed a double play on a fly ball catch and 2nd base tag. I consequently took my anger out on the hapless and kickball-rules-ignorant girl who thought she was safe at 3rd. I apologized to God (although not to the girl) for shouting "You are out!" as she stood there smiling on 3rd base.
Well, by now it's getting dark and we just want the inning to be over with. Finally, it was. Our third at bat was a little shaky, but we still got a run. YIPPPPEEEEEEE! Now it's 4-2 going into the bottom of the 3rd, which would be our last inning due to the fact that it is night-time and there are no lights at the field. I can't really remember how it all happened, but I know they kept bunting and we got 2 outs on them, but then they persisted and got one run, and then we just needed one more out, but they scored again, and then it was tied. And then we caught a fly ball and that was that. After a brief discussion of whether to continue playing in the 30 degree weather and darkness, we decide that $1.50 burgers were waiting for us at the bar and we should go there forthwith. So, there you have it. A 4-4 tie with the Band Camp Bullies.
Now for the weekly awards. For the brand nubians, the Boss Hog (BH) and Blue Jumpsuit (BJ) Awards are bestowed weekly upon the person from the other team who is the most pleasant to look at. On a few occasions in the past, this awardee has even merited a Wrangler or two actually wiggling their eyebrows at this person, or acting otherwise lecherous. Sometimes a Wrangler might even "accidentally" bump into BH or BJ on the field. (In which case, that Wrangler was probably awarded the David Cop-A-Feel award.) But sometimes, the pickin's are slim, and we are forced to choose someone that is not on the other team: sometimes that might be the referee, a person who happens to be running around the track that encircles our playing field, or even a bartender or waitress at the sponsor bar.
This week's Boss Hog definitely goes to Mr. Tight Sweatpants, with a special commendation for giving everyone a nice look at the billlowy shape of his kickballs. I know that I was personally distracted on a regular basis by his in-your-face manhood. But seriously, folks, he DOES NOT get the Boss Hog Award. So you may be asking: Well, then, who does? Well, I'll tell you. As you know, I only have eyes for one man, and that is David "The O.Z" Osborne, but he understands that for the purposes of this award and the good of the team I have to objectively evaluate the cuteness of the boys on the other team. Well, I heard a few of the Lady Wranglers tittering about that cute boy on the other team who was real muscle-y, and I found him to be a very jovial fellow to boot. So he wins. Hurrah for muscley boy with his shirt tucked in to his warmup pants. Bravo for his adorable baseball cap! Three cheers for his tight buttocks!
The boys will send a followup email with their choice for Blue Jumpsuit. That's the way it works.
Also, you will usually receive an Excel spreadsheet with week-by-week stats that is hand-tallied by the aforementioned T-Dubs o' Love. But since one particularly silly captain forgot to bring the new kickball score sheet to the game and then accidentally took home the make-shift score sheet upon which Tim recorded the evening's kicks and cans, thereby preventing Tim from creating the spreadsheet in time for this Thursday morning recap, you will all just have to wait. I am attaching, however, the team roster sheet which includes important info like each person's nickname and theme song, and nothing frivolous like phone numbers or email addresses in case you would like to get in touch with any of these people.
Special thanks to Barb and Penny for bringing Layla, the baby bulldog, my new favorite friend! I told my dog all about her and she was super excited. I would bring my dog to games except that she would ruin everything. She would pop the kickball and bark and jump on people. But not out of malice, just out of not-that-smartness and general hyperactivity.
Next week our game is at 7:15 again. The theme we're going with is Mime/Street Performers. This includes, but is not limited to: mimes, people painted all one color who throw marshmallows to one another, robot impersonators, statue impersonators, people who play overturned white buckets as drums, and jugglers.
Stay Classy, Wranglers.
I love you so much,