Thursday, April 14, 2005


Week 1: Get Your Wig On

To All the Wranglers I've Loved Before, And All Our Loyal Fans:

OK, so it's not really the morning anymore. So technically this is like the Thursday afternoon recap, but you mustn't be so literal about these things.

Congratulations on a 4-4 tie with the Bike Rack Bullies. (More like the Poo-rack bullies, if you ask me, but we'll get to that later.) It was a nice neutral start to the season. A little taste of kickball flavor for the newbies, and a nice little "hi, old friend" for the veterans. Sort of like the quick embrace of a lover you haven't seen for a while and can't spend a whole lot of time with just this minute, but you know that you will see next week, and that makes you feel nice.

It's el stinko that we only got to play 3 innings and it was colder than a HOO-ha out there, but as each week goes by we'll have more light and more heat and it will be glorious, I just know it. I see big things for the Wranglers this year. Great costumes. Great ballin'. Great friends. Great $1.50 burgers with 50 cents for each additional topping. What could be better?!

Without further ado, let's talk about the game. We started off great with some boom-boom-boom from the top of the batting order. 2 runs scored. A couple of infielders knocked over (and rightfully so). Then we took the field and got them out pretty quick. Nice pitching by rookie southpaw Michelle "Dooley Bops" Dooley. In the second inning we came up with another run on a Katie "Bunt Cake" Whalen and Timmy "T-Dubs o' Love" Whalen combo. Those married couples sure know how to work it! RBI goes to Joy "Smack Your Mama" Hayes. The inning ended sadly, though, on a scandalous above-the-shoulder shot at Barb "Hit me again and I'll kick your ass" Martin. After unsuccessful pleading to the ref, she was called out. And I cursed their damn ponytailed, jeans-wearing catcher for making a snide remark to me! So I said to him: "Hey, Band Camp called and they're out of YOU!!" (really, I didn't say that, but don't you wish I had???) I HATE THAT GUY!

In the bottom of the 2nd they got a little momentum and got 2 runs. I had to HATE ponytail guy even more because he taunted me with a "what are you gonna do about it?" shoulder shrug on his way to home plate after I grabbed a double play on a fly ball catch and 2nd base tag. I consequently took my anger out on the hapless and kickball-rules-ignorant girl who thought she was safe at 3rd. I apologized to God (although not to the girl) for shouting "You are out!" as she stood there smiling on 3rd base.

Well, by now it's getting dark and we just want the inning to be over with. Finally, it was. Our third at bat was a little shaky, but we still got a run. YIPPPPEEEEEEE! Now it's 4-2 going into the bottom of the 3rd, which would be our last inning due to the fact that it is night-time and there are no lights at the field. I can't really remember how it all happened, but I know they kept bunting and we got 2 outs on them, but then they persisted and got one run, and then we just needed one more out, but they scored again, and then it was tied. And then we caught a fly ball and that was that. After a brief discussion of whether to continue playing in the 30 degree weather and darkness, we decide that $1.50 burgers were waiting for us at the bar and we should go there forthwith. So, there you have it. A 4-4 tie with the Band Camp Bullies.

Now for the weekly awards. For the brand nubians, the Boss Hog (BH) and Blue Jumpsuit (BJ) Awards are bestowed weekly upon the person from the other team who is the most pleasant to look at. On a few occasions in the past, this awardee has even merited a Wrangler or two actually wiggling their eyebrows at this person, or acting otherwise lecherous. Sometimes a Wrangler might even "accidentally" bump into BH or BJ on the field. (In which case, that Wrangler was probably awarded the David Cop-A-Feel award.) But sometimes, the pickin's are slim, and we are forced to choose someone that is not on the other team: sometimes that might be the referee, a person who happens to be running around the track that encircles our playing field, or even a bartender or waitress at the sponsor bar.

This week's Boss Hog definitely goes to Mr. Tight Sweatpants, with a special commendation for giving everyone a nice look at the billlowy shape of his kickballs. I know that I was personally distracted on a regular basis by his in-your-face manhood. But seriously, folks, he DOES NOT get the Boss Hog Award. So you may be asking: Well, then, who does? Well, I'll tell you. As you know, I only have eyes for one man, and that is David "The O.Z" Osborne, but he understands that for the purposes of this award and the good of the team I have to objectively evaluate the cuteness of the boys on the other team. Well, I heard a few of the Lady Wranglers tittering about that cute boy on the other team who was real muscle-y, and I found him to be a very jovial fellow to boot. So he wins. Hurrah for muscley boy with his shirt tucked in to his warmup pants. Bravo for his adorable baseball cap! Three cheers for his tight buttocks!

The boys will send a followup email with their choice for Blue Jumpsuit. That's the way it works.
Also, you will usually receive an Excel spreadsheet with week-by-week stats that is hand-tallied by the aforementioned T-Dubs o' Love. But since one particularly silly captain forgot to bring the new kickball score sheet to the game and then accidentally took home the make-shift score sheet upon which Tim recorded the evening's kicks and cans, thereby preventing Tim from creating the spreadsheet in time for this Thursday morning recap, you will all just have to wait. I am attaching, however, the team roster sheet which includes important info like each person's nickname and theme song, and nothing frivolous like phone numbers or email addresses in case you would like to get in touch with any of these people.

Special thanks to Barb and Penny for bringing Layla, the baby bulldog, my new favorite friend! I told my dog all about her and she was super excited. I would bring my dog to games except that she would ruin everything. She would pop the kickball and bark and jump on people. But not out of malice, just out of not-that-smartness and general hyperactivity.

Next week our game is at 7:15 again. The theme we're going with is Mime/Street Performers. This includes, but is not limited to: mimes, people painted all one color who throw marshmallows to one another, robot impersonators, statue impersonators, people who play overturned white buckets as drums, and jugglers.

Stay Classy, Wranglers.

I love you so much,

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