Rusty's Wranglers Amateur Kickball Club

(Tdubs Whalen is filling in for Captain T-Dizzy, who is on a special WAKA assignment)

"Do you know where you are? You're playing the Wrangler's baby! You're gonna CRRRYYYYYYY"
- A Lyric from the upcoming single "Welcome to the Wrangler Jungle"

(for added effect, put on the theme to Miami Vice on repeat when you read this)

Last night, if you didn't know it was a kickball match, you would've swore you were at a taping for VH1's The Eighties are Awesome or a Where Are They Now? convention. Everyone from iconic pop divas to hard core heavy metal artists to TV fixtures were on hand - Cyndi Laupers, pre-slut Madonnas, Billy Idol types (one mullett-ed, one with the trademark blonde spike), and Joe Elliot from Def Leppard amongst others. Even Miami Vice star Sonny Crockett, who many say "rocked" in his own way, was on hand. With all this talent in the same place, it's a miracle that "We Are the World, Part II" didn't spontaneously get recorded.

Well, what did happen was so offensive that even 2 Live Crew thought it should be banned…a 13-3 annihilation of Is It in You?. And to answer their seemingly rhetorical question, Yes, like a topless groupie beneath Def Leppard's stage, "it" is indeed "in you" after last night. With the "it" being the Wrangler's and the "you" being their heads. (see, that last line really wasn't that dirty). Although perhaps we were already in their heads as evidenced by pitcher and general loud mouth Tall Socks who got plastered before the game. "When I saw the Wranglers on the schedule," explained High Socks, "I immediately reached for one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer 'cause I knew it would be a long night."

Much like a parent at a New Kids on the Block concert, it was indeed a long night for the Is Its. Despite being down several players and their team leader, Captain Tara Dix, being off on assignment, Rusty's crew still came to play. It was a sea of bad hair, bracelets, leg warmers, hoop rings, more hair, mini-skirts, delicately ripped jeans (again, props to Ryan), bad suits, kilts, put-outs, even more hair, hits, and runs. The Wranglers were kicking with an intensity that had not been seen since the video for We're Not Gonna Take It, by Twisted Sister. Everyone in the lineup from top to bottom was literally kicking the snot of the ball, except perhaps for Wheels who reached twice on her specialty - the Bunt. It even got to the point where the Mullet Man Ryan Swett got intentionally walked like an egyptian - the first in team, and perhaps league history. CoCo "My favorite band is the Go's Go's" Reid was stellar on the mound as she gave up only 3 runs over 5 innings. The fielding was also tremendous, especially Dave "Hysteria" Osborne who made 2 nice Baryshnikov-like grabs at SS, Michelle "Bananarama" Dooley who was our venus, our fire, at 2B, and Rick "Rebel Yell" Brands who was again a force at Catcher. The Is Its actually complained at one point because they had not other recourse but to complain. Hustle was all over the place as well as "Crockett" Whalen, using the power of his off-white jacket, scored from first like a cigarette boat chasing down cocaine smugglers. Special mention to Cas "Side Pony" Scott who literally ran like a Flock of Seagulls from the Addison L stop to the field in time to make the game, proving that Girls really do just wanna have fun. Now that defines the spirit of the Wranglers! Add it up, and you get a 13-3 whooping that would've made our fearless Captain T-Dizzy proud!

Now onto this week's awards…

This week's Rusty winner, or should I say winners, has got to, and I mean gotta!, go to the Wrangler's version of Guns-N-Roses - Josh "Slash" McKnight and Matthew "Axl Rose" Lubbers. Slash and Axl snaked their way to a Monsters of Rock-type night. They were responsible for so much scoring that even Jon Bon Jovi would be jealous, and their stat lines are even more impressive than Tommy Lee's spinning drum kit in the Wild Side video: Axl: 3-3, 1 Triple, 2 HR's, 5 RBI, 2 R. Slash: 3-3, 2 HR's, 2 RBI, 3 R. Certainly their finest work since Appetite for Destruction. Special note: In the process, Lubbers set a team record for total bases in a game with 11, topping the previous high of 9 (Dr. Mark "Not that kind of Doctor" Frasier, 2004). McSlash tied the old record with 9 bases on the night.

For probably the first time in team history, the All-Around Cowboy/Cowgirl hustle award and the boobie-bungler award happened on the same play. Playing in LCF, Hootie McBoob, excuse me, Katie Whalen, who had already made a fine catch of a deeply hit ball, went to play yet another deeply hit ball. She moved over and got into perfect position and exclaimed "Hit me with your best shot, Fire away!" Hit her it did. It turns out that Wheels was in perfect position to use her, umm "wonder twins" to deflect the ball skyward, thus allowing rookie Claire "Quiet Riot" Moroney to make a spectacular catch, thus earning the All-Around Cowgirl. It was literally a boobie bungler at its finest. Claire went on to have a great debut as well.

The Blue Jumpsuit award will be announced shortly by Chairman "Slash" McKnight…and not to give anything away, but it was a quite a busy night for the committee. Not sure on the Boss Hog front, but that's not my department…ladies?

Right now I'll send it over to correspondent Joy Hayes with a preview of her special report due out later today. Joy, take it away!

Okay, Wranglers....the theme of this story is "Someone's going to Heaven; her name rhymes with Schmatie Schmalen".

Maybe I'm rude, maybe I'm judgmental, but when Captain Tallsocks (also to be called Maverick in this story...but not in a positive way) sat down in the Wrangler Corral last night, I almost lost my mind.

I dislike haters....and Captain Tallsocks is the mayor of Hater City. I have to give props to Dooley who, after hearing him shout down the length of the table, inquired "Wait...can we drink before games?"

Now of course, he was focusing all his energy on the end of the corral where the lovely Cassie, Dana, and Katie were sitting, so all of these highlights were overheard, and in the light of day, may be misconstrued for the humor of the story. Deal with it or scroll down....

There was the textbook opening conversation about our fantastic theme nights (still reveling in the Birthday Party concept), which again, I say hate on, hater.

The gauntlet was quasi-thrown when I heard "Who was that jackass with the horse around him?"

And with that, I'll leave the rest of the story for later today…(I still need to finish writing it, so back off!)

Thanks Joy! I for one cannot wait to read the rest of that story!

Well, that should do it for this week in WranglerNation. Next week we've got James Brown for another 6:30 game on field B. The theme has not been officially decided, but I believe we'll be getting back to our Roman heritage.

Props to Cas for getting the picture out! We look good…I mean really good. Everybody come see how good we look!!!!

See you next week! Thanks for dropping by San Diego…errr Chicago.
- Tdubs